Since their fall from power in 2006, Canada’s Liberal Party has been struggling to keep itself afloat in a sea of angry people. Although the days of the super majorities enjoyed by the powerful and charismatic Jean Chrétien have long since passed, advantages of such a position has not been forgotten. It’s for reasons like this that Mr. Dion, the Liberal Party’s current leader, has forged ahead with his drastic measures to retake the helm in a dangerous game of political “Capture the Flag.”

In an effort to pull Canada out of a severe economic slump, the three main opposition parties of Canada have agreed to join forces in order to pass a series of bills aimed at keeping the nation’s economy strong and vibrant in this difficult time. This new conglomerate, which has been contractually agreed to be championed by none other than Stephane Dion of the Liberal Party, will see the strong-willed Partie Quebecois and the ‘For the People’ New Democratic Party work together in a way that has never been seen before in Canadian politics. Although each of these parties has very different agendas, they’ve all agreed that it’s in the nation’s best interest to usurp power from the recently re-elected minority government and do what’s best for everyone.

Steve Jobs v2.0?

Although some fellow Canadians, such as Michael McKinlay, has referred to this new mega-party as an “Unelected Retard Government,” I’m forced to disagree.

Before the temporary democratic amalgamation contract was finalized last week, Stephane Dion was expected to resign his position as the Liberal Party leader. This was not only due to the lack of public opinion for the man, but also because he had failed to lead the Liberals effectively to gain more support and win either of the last two elections. However, now that the Prime Minister’s Office is just an arm’s reach away, Dion has agreed to stay on and lead the country out of its economic turmoil with his clear vision and superb management skills.

And where have we heard this before? Ah, yes … at Apple Computer!

Around the world people have looked to their politicians to be more like Obama; a man who is not only well spoken but projects the image that one would expect for the leader of a nation. Stephen Harper, while having some years experience as the leader of one of the world’s largest nations, does not project the same type of confidence and cool that the general population has come to expect from their leaders. But there is a problem with following too closely in Obama’s footsteps: people will argue that Canadian leaders lack their own style and must emulate other popular figures in order to win the hearts and minds of the citizens.

So, rather than go with an Obama-like image, the New Democratic Mega-Partie du Canada will do one better: they’ll go for a Steve Jobs image.

It makes so much sense, too!

After Apple fired Mr. Jobs in the 90s, the company stagnated to the point of bankruptcy. Upon the return of The Steve, everything became sleek and happy, with a throng of loyal followers who are often poised and ready to defend their stylish sweater-wearing leader unto the ends of the Earth! Perhaps the same will work for Mr. Dion….

After the people (kind of) fired the Liberal Party in 2006 by giving Harper’s conservatives their first minority government, the Liberal Party became stagnant. Living off the very same platforms and principles that had won it elections in the early-90s when the world was a safer and happier place. But people don’t want to hear about re-hashed health care and education packages with promises of government reform. They’ve heard that all before! Instead, what people want is a little passion, some sleek lines, and woefully incompetent leaders to release expectedly inadequate products at inexplicably high prices in an effort to whet the general public’s appetite for the next version.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Stephane Dion is the right man. Who else could pull off being a Canadian Steve but Stephane? It’s genius, I tell you.

Uniting All, Under One Party

Yet, despite this interesting turn of events, the real reason behind the creation of this New Democratic Mega-Partie du Canada is not to make Stephane Dion the country’s next Prime Minister. No, that would be too logical. Instead, the idea is to force the Canadian public into realizing just how foolish they’ve been since voting Brian Mulroney out of office.

Until recently, the country has flip-flopped between extremes. Rarely was a minority government put into power. Instead, the public would wait until a political party did something to get us angry enough to actually leave our homes on Election Day, and then we’d vote in the opposite party. That’s how the system was designed to work, and it’s worked quite well for almost 142 years. However, by electing two minority governments in a row, the Canadian people are asking all of the political parties in the House of Commons to cooperate to reach the best decisions for the nation at large. Since that’s obviously against the best interests of each party’s agenda, they’ve been mostly deadlocked on all but the most obvious of issues.

So what’s the best way out of this predicament? It’s simple: give the voters a reason to pick just one party.

This is the genius behind this New Democratic Mega-Partie du Canada.

The Liberals are now completely in bed with Satan (a.k.a. The Partie Quebecois and the New Democratic Party). The Bloc Quebecois are now teamed up with their sworn enemies, the English. And the New Democrats have allied with the very people they swore to fight tooth and nail, the Liberals. By doing this, each of these three parties have spat in the face of their constituents, negating any chance of being re-elected in their ridings.

Final outcome: a Progressive Conservative Super Majority.

A Land of Extremes

Canada has been called a melting pot for cultures and people, and it’s certainly true when we tour the bigger cities in each of the country’s wonderful provinces. However, unlike these mega-cities of differing people, the government has always required a certain type of extremism in order to function on any level. We can’t have a minority government for any length of time, just like we can’t let the Natives get fair compensation for all the inhuman things we’ve done to them since the early 16th Century.

So by taking these extreme measures during his final months in politics, Stephane Dion is paving the way for a decade of leadership from a Progressive Conservative super majority in the Canadian Parliament.

Thank you, Mr. Dion.